Did you hear that noise?
So there I was, out riding.
It was in Newport, NH. Newport is a small mill town in the Lake Sunapee region of NH. There is a courthouse, a downtown area that looks like Mayberry, a town common, and a few factories, for instance, Ruger firearms is located there. The place is big enough to have some traffic lights, little strip malls, and fast food places like McDonalds.
There is a unique accent in the area that comes from a big influx of Irish families fleeing the potato famine in the 19th century. The came here to farm and there is a Celtic brogue accent in the area that you just don't hear anywhere else. Much of New Hampshire has the classic Yankee accent where you don't use R's and is the root of the dumb cliche' people from elsewhere use when they think they are making fun of Boston by saying "Pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd". I won't get into how dumb that is because you can't actually park in Harvard Yard, but keeping the Yankee accent in mind is important to fully understand how funny the story i'm about to relate really was to live through.
The Newport McDonalds is a familiar stop to me because it is just the right distance from my house in an even smaller New England town west of there to stop and stretch because that my balls have fallen asleep from the bike's vibration.
This particular time, I was on may way back home from picking up a submachinegun.
No shit, a transferable MAC11a1 fixer-upper. There aren't just fixer-upper bike, cars, house and chicks, there are also fixer-upper machineguns out there.
Anyway, I had my new project gun and decided to lock it in the saddlebags of my 1980 vintage bagger and get myself a burger since it was my breakfast time (noonish).
Inside, the place was hopping. I got my artery clogging food and sat down at a table overlooking my bike with my new MG locked up in the hard bags.
Then I felt it...that certain rumbling that warns you when a giant fart in a public place is imminent. Since the place was pretty crowded with lunchtime customers, I knew I had a decision to make.
It could go one of two ways. I could do my best to muffle the blast and hope that if there was a stench, the unsuspecting diners around me would blame each other and hilarity would ensue for my own entertainment. On the other hand, I was somewhat in "I'm on top of the world today, FTW" mode because I was out riding and had a new machinegun in my saddlebags, so maybe I should celebrate by just letting it rip.
I chose the latter course of action.
BBBRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPppppppp....
...it echoed off of the plastic bench seat of the booth I was in like the sounding board of some horrible instrument from the baroque period. (hahaha....I guess I "baroque wind" LOL)
Around me, there was an uncomfortable silence as the other diners tried to make believe it didn't happen. I acted casual. The others just ate in silence, staring straight ahead.
Well, not ALL of them. Across the aisle from me there was an elderly couple, at least in their 70's. The old man was oblivious, but the old woman sat bolt upright with her eyes bugged out and said in a screechy Yankee voice:
"DID YOU HEAH THAT NOYSE? IT SOUNDED LIKE SOMEBODY FAHTED!!!"
The old man just shrugged it off. I bit my lower lip to keep from bursting out laughing.
Around me, things got back to normal. It was like the old lady pointing out the elephant in the room made it disappear for everyone. For everyone except the old lady, that is, because she began to look all paranoid, scanning the room to see if she could figure out where the noise came from. The old man just kept eating his burger.
I tried to stay focused on my burger too, but was distracted by the old lady's incessant scanning of the room. I kept replaying her screechy exclamation in my mind because it was so damn funny. Still trying to keep my composure, I chewed my burger like nothing was wrong, but something was VERY wrong...there was another wave of gas coming.
In trying to act like nothing was amiss, the second fart sorta snuck up on me. It was all too much and I started to giggle a little about it. You know how that goes, you are trying to hold the laugh in and you sorta convulse...that was all it took and a portion of what could have been a spectacular fart under other circumstances escaped in a series of short bursts like "brrrppp...brrrppp...brrrrrrp" resonating off of the plastic seat. I could no longer contain myself and actually chuckled out loud.
At this point, I'm not sure what the other diner's reactions were because I was totally focused on the old lady.
She nearly jumped out of her seat with the excitement of being vindicated and finally KNOWING that someone had, in fact, committed such a crime against humanity and screeched:
"THEYAH IT IS AGAIN!!! I'm TELLIN YA, IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY FAHHHTED! I SWEAHA TA GOD IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY FAHTED!
OK, that was it. I swallowed the last of my burger and got the hell out of there before I choked to death laughing.
To this day, I can't ride by that McDonald's without laughing about that old lady.
Jokes (Coming soon)